“I used to think I was a victim of my story until I realized the truth that I am the creator of my story. I choose what type of person I will be and what type of impact I will leave on others.” – Steve Maraboli, Behavioral Scientist at Michael Thomas Research Center for Social & Behavioral Science, New York.
photo courtesy of yohanl on sxc.hu
Do a lot of bad things happen to you? Have you ever thought about searching for a solution to something that has kept you trapped for years, and thought, why bother?
Everyone has moments like this.
Some of us are in in debt, with little hope of recovery.
More still have lost their faith that they can find a job that meets the needs of themselves and their families.
Worse still, there are those who can identify people by how this mentality rules their lives – who take advantage of it to control people. By making people more dependent, it is possible to make them slaves.
In this post, I am going to interview someone who got out of that mentality. He is the main character of an upcoming book, and is a great case study of how the victim mentality can sneak up on anyone.
He doesn’t want anyone to be a slave of the victim mentality, and neither do I. So I dragged him up out of my head for an interview, and because this happened after the book is over, he doesn’t feel too bad about it.
Enter Jordan.
_____
David: What is the victim mentality?
Jordan: Doctors say it’s where people learn to think of themselves as victims of the actions of others. Eventually, it becomes a personality trait. In my case, I would think, speak, and act as if I were the victim. Sometimes I may have a logical reason, and other times I may have simply said something is wrong with my fate, or that God just doesn’t like me –
David: Just a minute, friend. My itunes keeps opening on me when I’m trying to write this post. No, for the fifth time, I don’t want to listen to Bon Jovi’s You Give Love a Bad Name. Stop playing it!
Jordan: Don’t worry, I’ll take over for you. Basically, you learn it as a child. If you don’t recognize it and take steps to reframe how you see your life, you will always be reacting. Every thing that people do around you will bother you. It’s like your whole body is covered in bruises, and anything another person does feels like a bad masseuse forcing themselves on you.
David: That’s an oddly specific metaphor. Does that come from personal exp– No, iTunes, why must you do this to me?!
Jordan: I had help from close friends who put up with my instability long enough to help me reframe moments of my childhood. When I learned that many of my bad times either weren’t my fault, or that I could reframe those memories so I didn’t see myself as a victim, I became healthier.
<Shot to the heart, and you’re to blame…>
David: Stop ignoring me, Jordan! Give an example or something. Most of our audience aren’t heirs to a billion dollar fortune. Why would a victim mentality stop someone like you?
Jordan: In my case, I was once fired from my own father’s company. It wasn’t even my brother, or dad who did it. An HR manager called me into an office, closed the door, and said I wasn’t a good fit. It reminded me of my mom, who seemed to view me as a nuisance, or when my friends betrayed me in high school. You see how a victim mentality is built over how you see a whole number of experiences?
Then, there’s society at large contributing to the victim mentality – teaching whole generations to be dependent on those who don’t have their best interests in mind. Most love songs that are popular these days, especially breakup songs, reinforce the victim mentality. Most TV shows and Films have characters in extreme conflict. Sometimes this conflict has to be created by manufacturing a victim mentality in the characters. This isn’t going to change, but it would be great if the media that’s put our there can better show the negative consequences of acting out of that mentality.
David: Let’s stay on topic. Have you forgotten that I created you?
Jordan: A great example of real characters in conflict are in the book, Emotionally Bulletproof – Scott’s Story. David gets money if you buy it.
David: You’ll need to do better than that…just a moment. iTunes again.
Jordan: And David’s right about the victim mentality. One of the best ways to monitor where you are on the victim mentality is to ask yourself if you are taking responsibility for every aspect of your life. If you find you aren’t, you aren’t alone. Consider these quotes:
If you are taught bitterness and anger, then you will believe you are a victim. You will feel aggrieved and the twin brother of aggrievement is entitlement. So now you think you are owed something and you don’t have to work for it and now you’re on a really bad road to nowhere because there are people who will play to that sense of victimhood, aggrievement and entitlement, and you still won’t have a job.” – Condoleeza Rice, Former U.S. Secretary of State.
David: Now you’re imposing your political views on us, stop it!
Jordan: Is it possible you still have some work to do on the victim mentality? Anyway, the victim mentality is a very politically charged arena. Search for the victim mentality, and you’ll see Democrats, Republicans, Tea Partiers, Race Politics, and many other issues mixed in. It’s good that this debate is happening, because we now know what the victim mentality can do if used or abused by different groups of people. Consider this quote:
And all the congregation lifted up their voice, and cried; and the people wept that night. And all the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron: and the whole congregation said unto them, Would God that we had died in the land of Egypt! or would God we had died in this wilderness! And wherefore hath the LORD brought us unto this land, to fall by the sword, that our wives and our children should be a prey? were it not better for us to return into Egypt? And they said one to another, Let us make a captain, and let us return into Egypt. – Numbers 14: 1-4 KJV
In this example. We see what it looks like when a group of people have been conditioned to be dependent for four hundred years. Now the deliverer they’ve been promised is leading them to freedom, but the road is difficult. What do they do? Let’s get a leader [to take responsibility for us] and go back to Egypt [where they were slaves].
You see, the victim mentality is a fight for your own freedom. Since I’m in a sci-fi book, the plot will eventually come down to freedom or slavery, as most sci-fi plots do. So, to will your own journey.
David: …Thanks for coming in. I also saw some more interesting writing on the victim mentality over at write change grow. I urge anyone interested in this subject to dig deeper.
Jordan: Just let me know in advance before you bring me in next time, okay?
Yes! This is a topic worth delving into! Yay for the freedom in our discovery! Your page looks great! Marlys and John
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